I’ve been writing a lot lately about getting older. About what it costs, what it looks like, and what it means to be 42 in a variety of ways.
I wrote about the pressure to look good and stay relevant, and to date in a pool that gets smaller every year.
I also wrote a whole piece (that I haven’t published yet) about my skin issues, my gym journey and body frustrations, and yes, some high protein Taco Bell hacks.
I even wrote at the end of that piece about how, in the grand scheme of things, these are all small problems. That overall I’m healthy. That if you’re not dealing with anything serious, of course the focus goes toward the outward, more surface level shit.
And then last Friday I found out that I’m not actually as healthy as I thought.
I want to say upfront that I’m ok. I have a very special tendency to get lucky in unlucky situations. But what I’m about to tell you is the kind of thing that can hit very differently depending on what you’ve been through or who you’ve lost, so I want to be clear about that before I get into it.
Here’s what happened.
My left ear had been making a ‘whooshing’ sound for a few weeks. It was annoying, but I truly didn’t think anything of it until I Googled it and found out it can be related to your heart/arteries.
Sidenote: I know we’re not supposed to Google or ask ChatGPT about our symptoms, but in this case, I’m glad I did. If I didn’t, I probably would have ignored this for much longer.
With that information, I decided it would be best to head over to CityMD and check it out. I figured it was going to be something like, “you just have some wax buildup in your ears, we’re gonna drain it and you’ll be on your way!”
Turns out it was more like…
Doc: your ears are clean as a whistle. Have you had any headaches recently?
Me: yes I’ve had a headache for about 2 days straight, but today it mostly went away.
Doc: what about your teeth/gums? Any pain or unusual bleeding?
Me: …yes but my gums are always kind of sensitive, so they bleed sometimes. Maybe a little more than normal this week.
Doc: are you a smoker?
Me, proudly: not anymore. I was an “off and on” smoker, but I quit in 2022. Haven’t picked up a cig since.
Doc: when did you start smoking though?
Me, not so proudly: when I was 12. Idk what to tell you, I’m from Queens.
Doc, nervous chuckle: ok well…that’s a long time still “off and on.”
Me: fair
Doc: what about your family? Any history of strokes, aneurysms, heart issues?
Me: my mom had an aneurysm in her 50’s and my grandfather died from one, also in his 50’s. And grandfather on my Dad’s side, so it’s on both sides of the family.
Doc, looking very concerned all of a sudden: ok…I don’t want to scare you, but I think you should go to the ER.
Me: are you serious??
Doc: yes. Just a precaution but based on what you’re telling me, this could be an aneurysm and it would be wise to get the proper tests done and rule it out
Me: ok…
At this point, I was honestly in disbelief. It’s only been a few days and I’m still kind of in disbelief. Mainly because I feel fine. Other than the headaches, which haven’t returned in a couple days now, thank god, I feel fine. I feel like me.
But then there’s this inner voice that goes: “but you’re not fine. You have a thing in your brain that could burst at any moment.”
And…that’s pretty fucking scary.
I called my Mom, obviously, as we are very close and well, she’s been through this. I kept it together for the majority of that call, but towards the end of it, it sunk in a little more, and I couldn’t help but think “something might actually be seriously wrong with me and my brain.” And I got a little choked up.
My mom asked me, “are you ok??” and I just choked through the words, “I mean…I’m scared.”
And then she got upset. Because when I’m upset, she’s upset. I love her for that but it also makes me feel bad because I don’t want her to be upset. It’s a cyclical problem. But I digress.
I got to the hospital around 5 pm and they didn’t take me for my scans until about 10 pm. If you’ve been in an ER, you’re probably not all too surprised by that timeline.
I've only been in an ER twice before for actual emergencies, and now I understand why people try to avoid it. It’s just a lot of waiting around, and frankly, it feels like if you don’t ask someone for help, they will just let you sit there indefinitely. I get it, but it sucks. My advice? Speak up every now and then; the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease. But anyway…
It’s been a minute since I’ve had a CT scan with contrast dye, and fun fact: they say “you might feel a ‘warm sensation’ at some point” and that warm sensation just feels like you pissed yourself. I was lying there, totally fine, and then towards the end I yelped “what the fuck?!” and the radiologist came in and told me not to worry. I did not, in fact, piss myself.
Neat! We take the small wins where we can get ‘em.
After that, more waiting. Who knew?!
At this point it was approaching midnight and honestly, I was annoyed at having to wait so long but also just…scared? Like, I had been nervous this whole time and no one was able to tell me anything, so I started crying a little. Not hysterically, but enough that I guess one doctor noticed.
She came over and asked if I wanted a Xanax or something for my anxiety. And while normally I would say ‘yes that sounds like fun,’ it was late and I wanted to be lucid for my test results. So I said, “no, thank you, I honestly just want to know what’s wrong with me and I really want to go home.”
After more waiting, a surgeon finally came down and spoke to me about my results. Confirmed: I have an aneurysm on the right side of my brain, on the carotid artery, about 6 mm wide. They also told me it was “extradural” aka outside the protective layer of the brain, which is less dangerous than “intradural,” aka inside the protective layer.
Again, take the small wins where you can get ‘em.
If it was super dangerous or risky, they wouldn’t have let me leave. He basically said that I didn’t need surgery at this time, I just need to follow up with an ENT and a neurologist, and that I could be discharged to go home. There was a lot more waiting in between all of this, mind you, I’m just giving you the abridged version. By the time I actually left, it was around 3:15 am.
The next day, I had a headache basically all day. I can’t say if that was from the late night, the stress, or the aneurysm itself, but all I know is that now whenever I get a headache, I will be a little extra nervous. I am prone to migraines and headaches as is, so that makes it worse. Like, how will I know if it’s a headache or a symptom?
For now, I’m sort of taking it easy this week and according to the neurologist, if you’re gonna have an aneurysm, this is the type to have. He did not say those exact words, I just threw that in because trauma has made humor my defense mechanism.
Ultimately, I am lucky in terms of the type of aneurysm it is and the location. I have what’s called a fusiform aneurysm, as opposed to saccular. The risks of a fusiform bursting are fairly low, and even if it does, it’s not as concerning as the other kind. I pasted a brief description below, if anyone is interested or curious:
Saccular (also called “berry”) aneurysm:
This is the “bubble sticking out” type — a round outpouching that balloons off one side of the vessel wall, usually with a distinct neck connecting it back to the main artery, like a berry hanging off a stem. This is the more classic aneurysm image most people picture.
Fusiform aneurysm:
This is a more spindle or torpedo-shaped widening that involves the entire circumference of the vessel — the artery just uniformly balloons outward for a stretch, rather than bulging off to one side. No distinct “dome” or “neck.”
Why fusiform tends to be lower risk for rupture:
In a saccular aneurysm, the wall stress concentrates at the thin dome — that’s the weak point that’s most likely to give way, similar to a thin spot in a balloon. In a fusiform aneurysm, because the widening is spread evenly around the whole vessel, the pressure/stress is distributed more broadly rather than concentrated at one fragile point. That more uniform structure is generally considered more stable, which is part of why these are more often watched over time rather than treated surgically.
If it does burst, extradural, specifically:
Since mine is extradural (outside the dura, on the cavernous segment of the carotid), a rupture wouldn’t cause the classic “brain bleed” (subarachnoid hemorrhage) people usually associate with aneurysms. Instead, extradural ruptures more typically cause:
A carotid-cavernous fistula — an abnormal connection forms between the artery and the venous system next to it, which can cause pulsing eye bulging, redness, whooshing sounds, or vision changes
Bleeding into the sinus or nasal cavity (epistaxis), if it erodes toward that area
Localized bleeding into surrounding tissue
The neurologist confirmed what the ER surgeon told me: no surgery needed at this time, just monitoring and follow-up scans down the road. So, no treatment for now, just keeping an eye on it and doing what I can to minimize stress. Do I need to start doing yoga now?
Oh, and the ear thing? Unrelated to the aneurysm! Turns out, I have very small veins on the left side of my body, and I am missing my jugular vein on that side as well. So I’m literally hearing the blood pumping through my veins, especially since one of them is working overtime to compensate for the lack of jugular vein. What a wild discovery, but it’s real. It’s a rare birth defect called agenesis and affects less than .25% of people. Guess I’m just built different, literally.
Lastly, I appreciate the support that I know will come from me sharing this, but please know that all of this has been overwhelming to deal with as is, so if you send a DM or a message and I don’t reply to you, it’s not because I don’t appreciate you! I just need some time to go through it first. I’m sharing it because it didn’t feel right to post upcoming pieces about my health journey without being honest - and this isn’t related to my undying love of Taco Bell anyway - it’s genetics. Rude, but genetics. And maybe a little bit of the smoking…
Thanks for being here and I will keep writing! Just might need to adjust some of those upcoming pieces.
Turns out getting older comes with even more surprises than I anticipated.
For those of you who have family history of any type of illness, I encourage you to get checked out. I know it seems like an obvious thing to say, but I didn’t expect this at my age, and I’d argue that on most levels I’m probably in the best shape of my life…and this still popped up for me. You can never be too careful.
Yikes! please be well, Dara! 🩷🩷
Sorry to hear that but holy sh!t that’s scary and glad you’re ok. I have family and co workers who’ve had them. Wishing you the best!